I have been hiding under a rock for the past two months. A rock of work, disappointment, self-doubt, and feeling rudderless. I read good books, sketched a bit, and tried not to think about being a writer/illustrator. I beat myself up over my feelings, including this big one: "If this is how you handle rejection, you have no business making this your career." I felt bad for feeling bad, when I had every right to feel bad.
A professional doesn't let disappointment or set-backs get to them, I told myself. A professional charms even when things look bleak, and because of that charm, the professional comes out on top. It's like a super power. And I do not have it.
I can't help being me in any given situation. When I don't have boundaries, limitations, guidelines, I wander, I ramble, I try to find the edges, and I often get lost. It's pleasant enough, unless there's a goal I need to reach. I must define my goals, or nothing gets done.
Neglecting this blog has driven me crazy. Trying to come up with topics that will get the hits up has driven me crazy. I don't like having to think like a marketer. I create things, and they find a place in the hearts of those who'll most appreciate them. I know I need to find my audience. I've found them in fellow anime fans, fellow writers, fellow fanartists, and artists in general. I like readers, because I am one. Readers can smell fake a mile away. I don't want this blog to turn into something fake, so for awhile I just stopped writing.
I don't know the aim of this blog, other than to share this rambling and unique experience of mine - to write and publish a YA book series illustrated by me. To do that, I need to become known - as an illustrator and as a writer, but as an illustrator first. I need a platform, I need an agent, I need an editor, and I need a publisher.
I recently got to meet people from two literary agencies - New Leaf Literary and Writers House. It was a pleasant experience, and I learned from it. I learned to trust my instincts about the direction of my work. I learned that my book is nowhere near pitch-ready yet. I learned that it takes many steps to get where you want to go, and I'm on the right track.
Right now, I don't care what this blog is or isn't supposed to be. All I know is that I've missed it and I'm glad to be back. If you're still here after my long absence, I'm glad. Thanks for sticking around.